


Go The Kriff To Sleep

by redlionspride



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Bad Parent Han Solo, Bed time stories, Chewbacca Is Best Parent, Gen, Inspired by Actual Book, Prompt Fill, but not really, child fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-30
Updated: 2016-03-30
Packaged: 2018-05-30 02:39:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6405427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redlionspride/pseuds/redlionspride
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Little Ben just doesn't want to fall asleep. Han's patience is tested.</p>
<p>
  <i>“The windows are dark in the City, boy.</i><br/>The Purrgill huddle down in the deep.<br/>I’ll tell you one very last story if you swear,<br/>You’ll go the Kriff to sleep.”
</p>
<p>Han's Story strongly resembles: <b>Adam Mansbach's – <i>Go The Fuck To Sleep</i></b></p>
            </blockquote>





	Go The Kriff To Sleep

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This was a fast and silly prompt fill for the tfa_kinkmeme. The requester just asked for "Little Ben just doesn't want to fall asleep. Han's patience is tested." and I suddenly wanted to rewrite Adam Mansbach's _Go The Fuck To Sleep_ children's book. So I changed it to fit a Star Wars theme (AKA: The story format is not MINE!). Han and Ben's reactions are scattered through it though. 
> 
> Please enjoy this small silly thing!
> 
> Prompt here:  
> http://tfa-kink.dreamwidth.org/3961.html?thread=8258169#cmt8258169

Having Leia out for a long meeting, Han was tasked with one simple job. Make sure Ben went to bed at the proper time. He had to go to school in the morning and so she begged her husband to make sure he got some good rest. No sugar or soda or anything that will keep the kid up and wired. 

Honestly, it wasn’t for the boy but for Han’s own sanity. Generally when Han was home he was the morning ‘Mom’. Got the kid up, moving, washed and dressed and fed, ready for his day. If anyone knew how to get the kid going for a good day at school it was Han and Chewie. 

Chewie, who was his co-pilot tonight for this. There was a movie on the holo tube tonight that they had both wanted to see, and thankfully it came on some time after Ben’s bed time. Blessings were had for all, right? 

Swooping Ben through the air once last time, Han bounced him in his arms and plopped him down onto his bed. “Okay, buddy. We’re going to prove to mom that your old man is good at both mornings _and_ bedtimes! So, lay down and go to sleep, okay?” He fluffed the boy's hair and winked. “You’ll see us both in the morning.” 

“Tha’s not how mommy does it!” Ben called as Han started to move and flick a night light on. The dark haired round faced boy pouted at his father, watching him pause at the door. “Tell me a story!” 

Han’s shoulders slumped and he rubbed his face. “I can read you a short one, if you really need it.” 

“No! Not read it, TELL it! Like Mommy’s stories! Tell me one of Mommy’s stories!” He said, bouncing now, wired from the ice cream and soda he did have about thirty minutes before hand. 

Good job dad. 

“I don’t know your mother's stories, kiddo. She… doesn’t write them down. They’re all… animals and things. You’ve heard them a hundred times.” Han protested, turning to look back at Ben with a tired frown. 

Chewie snorted and guffed a laugh at Han as he wandered off to the kitchen to start making late night snacks for the movie he was beginning to see he would be watching alone. He Had told Han not to cave in and give him the ice cream.

Ben’s face twisted up in a ‘I’m about to cry and pout all night’ kind of way, making Han throw his hands up and come back in, moving to sit on the edge of the bed. “Okay, okay let’s see if I can do this.” 

“Make it real nice, daddy.” Ben said, suddenly settling down in his bed and pulling the covers so high only his eyes and the top of his head showed, his fingertips curled over the blanket on either side. 

There was no way that was the face of a sleepy kid. 

Han tried. He really did. He had stood in the door way more times than not, watching as Leia spoke in the calmest voice, a voice like an angel, telling Ben of beautiful planets and sweet creatures who were all snuggled down and resting. Each word putting Ben’s eyes that much closer to nodding until he was actually passed out asleep. 

“Alright, so, um… once upon a time--”

“No dad! That’s not how ANY stories really start! Do it like mommy!” 

And thus he sighed, and gave it his best. His voice soft at first, but with every move the boy made, it got a little worse. A little firmer. 

_“The Tookas nestle close to their cubs now._  
The Banthas have plopped down with the Dewbacks.  
You’re cozy and warm in your bed, my son,  
Please go the kriff to sleep.” 

Ben’s face scrunched up at the animal choices, and sat up a bit more in bed, watching his father with a look that said ‘no, this isn’t any better, but I won’t interrupt’...’yet.’ 

_“The windows are dark in the City, boy._  
The Purrgill huddle down in the deep.  
I’ll tell you one very last story if you swear,  
You’ll go the kriff to sleep.” 

Han said it carefully, trying to push Ben back into his pillow again and tuck his blanket around his chest, pushing it down enough to make it snug, maybe a bit too snug. 

_“The Bonegnawers who soar through the sky are at rest_  
And the aliens who crawl, run, and creep.  
I know you’re not thirsty. That’s bullshit. Stop lying.  
Lie the kriff down, my Bookie, and sleep.” 

His story twisted into a reply as Ben whined softly “Can I have something to drink.” In the middle of what he had just been saying. “I’m thirsty…” Lies. All lies. Han knew if he moved to get him a drink he’d be out of bed again. 

_“The wind whispers through Corellian grass, child._  
The field rodents, they make no damn squeak.  
It’s been thirty-eight standard minutes already.  
For Force sake, what the kriff? GO to sleep _.”_

Han pleaded as Ben squirmed in the bed again, moving to shift and paw around, then leans on his hand and look at him wide awake as he spoke.

Ben could tell his dad was getting frustrated, but honestly, it was kind of funny, and he was hoping he could get up and go snuggle with Chewie out in the living room and watch the bad movie with them. Maybe. Maybe!

_“All the kids from the Jedi Academy are in dreamland._  
The Paddy Frog has made his last leap.  
Hell no, kid, you can’t go to the refresher!  
You know where you can go? The kriff to sleep!” 

The refresher? Really? He asked to pee just after asking for water? Han knew he’d do it. He knew it. He’d pulled the same stunts, he was sure, when he was even smaller than this. 

_“The Wookies swing forth from the treetops._  
Through the air, they sway and sweep.  
A hot burning rage fills my heart, Ben.  
For real. Shut the kriff up and sleep…” 

“Dad. This isn’t a really good story. Wookies aren’t all awake at this time. Mommy says they sleep and--” Han got to the rage and heart part of his story, leaning forward in frustration and pressing his hands to his forehead as he pleaded for Ben to sleep. 

Ben closed his mouth with a tiny. “Sorry…” 

_“The Talz of Orto Plutonia are snoring,  
Wrapped in a big snuggling heap.”_

“What’s a Talz!?” Ben suddenly had asked, sitting up in the middle of what Dad was saying, eyes wide with new wonder. 

Han waved a hand as he continued this part, as if trying to do one of Luke’s Jedi mind tricks while he said: 

_“How is it you can do all this Force shit,  
But you can’t lie the kriff down and sleep?”_

Ben shrugged and winced, ducking under his blankets again and curling to his side, feet wiggling as he tried to remember the name to look up on the network tomorrow. 

_“The pods slumber beneath Felucia’s soil now_  
Oh, the Fungus the farmers will reap.  
No more questions! This interview’s over.  
I’ve got two words for you, Ben. Kriffing Sleep!” 

Han said the last two lines so firmly as he saw Ben’s mouth open. He knew he was about to ask where Felucia was. He just knew it. This format of storytelling is the worst and he’s never doing it again. But… he’s trying. By Gods was he trying! Leia was going to damn well be proud of him when she got home! He was getting some sex out of this if it was the last thing he did. 

_“The Bha’lir reclines in its planet home of lyred._  
The Song Sparrow has silenced it cheep...  
Kirff your stuffed wookie, I’m not getting you shit!  
Close your eyes. Cut the Sithspit. SLEEP!” 

He was losing it as Ben whined now, clearly sleepy looking and getting restless, that he needed Mr. Wook-Wook, his stuffed Wookie.

_“The flowers doze low on Dantooine meadows._  
Or high on Wayland’s mountains so steep.  
Leia is right. My life is a failure. I’m a shitty-ass parent.  
Stop kriffing with me, Ben, and just sleep!” 

Now Ben just whined. “This is boring. It’s not a good poem story at all, Dad! I want Mommy.” Which prompted Han’s last outburst in his story. He didn’t even know where to take it now, but whining and sleepy eyes meant he was nodding off, right?

_“The giant Rancors of Dathomir are snoozing._  
As I lie here and openly weep.  
Sure. Fine. Whatever. I’ll bring you blue milk.  
Who the kriff cares? You’re not gonna sleep.” 

“Rancors make me thirsty.” Ben had said smartly the instant Dad had mentioned them, to which Han appeared to pull his hair, huffing his words out in a sad frustrated weep. Huffing and waving his hand to the side as he said he’d get him some damn milk. It had hit Han, the kid really wasn’t going to sleep. He tipped forward and felt Ben moving. 

_“This suite is all I can remember._  
The furniture too posh and too neat.  
You win. You escape. You run down the hall.  
As I nod the kriff off, and sleep.” 

Ben, moving and getting off the bed and out of the room. It was too late for Han now to stop talking in a story poem kind of way. He fell forward onto Ben’s bed, face smashed awkwardly into the sheets, mumbling the last few lines and closing his eyes. 

_“Foggy and dazed I awaken_  
To find your eyes shut, so I keep  
My fingers crossed tight as I tiptoe away  
And pray that you’re kriffing asleep.” 

In truth Han wasn’t sure how long he was out, he just woke up and continued to talk, as if telling the story never ended, but as he actually found Ben laying there, half curled up with him he smiled, pulling away so carefully, covering him over with a blanket and moving out of his room. Closing the door just a bit, like they always do. 

Han came out in a huff, but didn’t speak loudly. He plopped down by Chewie who didn’t speak, because he knows his voice is loud, but raised a brow at the man. 

Han shook his head, rubbing his hands over his face. In an automatic way, he started to speak like he was still telling the kid a story. 

_“We’re finally watching our movie, Chewie  
C3P0 shut down so he can’t speak!”_

Chewie looked over to see Leia’s droid in power down mode to the side and sniggered softly. But just then Artoo rolled out of the kitchen, a tray of snacks on his head, his platter arms holding it as he rolled and...

_“Artoo you traitor, don’t you dare do it!” (“BEEP!”)  
Oh come on! What the hell!”_

He could hear Ben in his room moving again, yawning and calling for Uncle Chewie. Han let out a frustrated growl and dropped his head back into the sofa, hands over his face and sinking in. 

_“GO THE KRIFF BACK TO SLEEP!”_

Chewie shook his head, patting Han on the knee and got up, wandering into the kids room. 

In ten minutes he came back out, pushed Han into a sitting position and out of his seat, and settled in, reaching for a snack from Artoo’s tray and guffed a laugh at Han’s amazed look, turning the movie back on. 

Ben went right to sleep for his Uncle.


End file.
